Seagulls, Starbucks and Sprite Bottles

Christ. Sorry. Sorrysorrysorry. I’ve been a bit rubbish at updating this week. Sorry. Don’t shout. We’ve been away to London. Notice how I say ‘been away’ rather than ‘on holiday’. That’s because we ALL went away. Me. My husband. THE KIDS.

It has been ages since we last went away and that’s largely down to three things:

  1. Money
  2. We’re shit-scared of taking our kids anywhere unfamiliar in case they don’t have chips or telly
  3. The last holiday we went on all got a bit stressful when my husband kind of punched a seagull. I say ‘kind of’ – he totally punched a seagull. In front of a bunch of kids. Who then started shrieking. It was a little awkward and probably not typical behaviour of visitors to the Tate St Ives but please nobody call the RSPB – in our defence we were just trying to enjoy an afternoon snack in the rooftop café when this seagull swooped in for my husband’s scone. He says he panicked, thought the bird was going for one of our kids and so punched it. I say BULLSHIT – my husband just really, really likes scones. Anyway, there were gasps from the onlookers, screams from the kids and an iffy noise coming from the seagull, who was now giving us evils from on-high and more than likely sending out some kind of silent gull-call to his mates to come and have us. I grabbed the kids, my husband grabbed his scone and we vowed never to attempt anything so civilised ever again. For the remainder of that week, whenever we fancied leaving the safety of our holiday flat, we just went and sat in the car with a Calippo instead.

actually, maybe more people should punch seagulls. I mean, look at this cheeky bastard I found on Google

So anyway, this weekend there was none of that. No birds got smacked. Nobody cuffed a sparrow. My husband didn’t punch a pigeon. In the bird world, all was calm.

In the car on the way to London however, it was a different story. We should have realised fate was laughing at us when the DVD player broke 20 minutes into the journey. And then I managed to tip milk over the only pair of jeans I had with me. Oh, and then my daughter threw a shoe out of the window on the motorway. She threw her bloody shoe out of the window. Brilliant.

The following morning and a snidey pair of cheap, plastic Croc(alike)s later we started the holiday. To summarise: our son crapped his pants when he saw the giant animatronic dinosaur at the Natural History Museum; the only thing our daughter would eat was miniature packets of Philadelphia that we robbed from the breakfast buffet; my husband and I got a bit over-excited at the very fact there was a Pret A Manger and a Starbucks on the same street (London hey? City of DREAMS. Ask for a decaf latte or a superfood salad in the sticks and they slap you) and, oh yeah, my kid pissed into a Sprite bottle in an underground car park.

You know, it’s a longish story and I won’t make you re-live it but let’s just say what the Holiday Inn car park lacks in toilets, it makes up for in CCTV cameras. Whereas at home I’d discreetly direct my son to the nearest bush, in this case there was nowhere to piddle in private except for in the car itself. Hence the Sprite bottle. And you know what, I would have been so smug about my sheer resourcefulness if only things gone a bit awry. A boy’s bits and a bottleneck do not a happy combination make*. Ever seen a pee misfire and spray upwards? No? Well there’s a CCTV camera operator somewhere in South Kensington who has.

* if ever a phrase is going to alert the social services, it’s that one

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13 thoughts on “Seagulls, Starbucks and Sprite Bottles

  1. You are bloody brillant! And hilarious! I flove it!

  2. louise batchelor says:

    very funny abs! cheered my day…would seem george is missing the sleeping gene and so consequently are we for now…even the contraband medicine isn’t touching the sides!xx

  3. I cuffed a sparrow once. It was an evil little bastard so I feel fully justified.

  4. Ida says:

    I found your blog yesterday… laughted hard then …..but laughing even harder today mainly because Im glad Im not the only mom on this earth who has a kid who throws shoes out the window….
    What a trip…. 🙂

  5. hilarious!

    another reason to never leave home with the kids!

  6. ATO Mum says:

    Laughed out loud as usual! What is it with seagulls and scones? – one nicked a scone right out of my son’s hand on the beach this year, and drew blood! – your husband should punch more of them, just in case they’re launching a scone take over, that would never do.

  7. Well I’m not surprised! I’ve had dealings with the seagulls of St Ives myself – they are notorious. One took a chip right out of the packet in my hands!
    You are going to be my discovery for day 3 of my 31 Bloggers of December. I will be giving you a shout out in a couple of days on twitter etc. Glad to have found you 🙂

  8. Thank god it was your boy who needed to pee – a girl would never be able to aim into a bottle neck!

  9. […] the 3rd day of Christmas I discovered Up Yours Gina Ford, who writes with hilarious elasticky of the day her husband punched a Seagull – wierd maybe, […]

  10. I’ve proper belly laughed the whole way through your post! Exactly what I needed this morning x

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